The Abomination That Is Carbonara In A Can
Heinz Spaghetti Carbonara was released in August 2024 to considerable fanfare. The launch quickly gained support from Gen Z influencers who loved the fact that they could enjoy a fashionable dish while skipping the expense and effort of rustling up their own version at home.
Not everyone's reaction was so favourable. The launch of tinned carbonara was met with outright disdain from Italian purists, some who described it as "cat food." Plenty of chefs and passionate home cooks were equally unimpressed and it even led to a BBC Radio 4 presenter pondering whether this product represented the “end of culinary civilisation.”
Carbonara in a can: innovative or gimmick?
It's not the first time that Heinz has ruffled some foodie feathers. In fact, they have considerable form when it comes to launching divisive products like their Jalfrezi Beans, Curried Passata, and possibly the worst food product ever created, Mayochup.
Whether the Kraft Heinz board of directors genuinely think they are launching innovative, quality products into the market or whether they simply know the more radical the launch, the more publicity and sales will follow is anyone's guess. What are they even gunning for anyway? An authentic product? A pastiche? A joke?
What we do know is that Heinz's attempt at carbonara is literally nothing like the real thing. While we don't want to jump on the "ultra-processed foods are evil" bandwagon, but comparing the ingredients in classic carbonara to Heinz's offering really should make you wince.
Authentic carbonara ingredients
Pecorino, spaghetti, guanciale, eggs, pepper.
Heinz carbonara ingredients
Pasta (Water, Durum Wheat Semolina), Water, Pancetta (Pork, Salt, Spices, Maltodextrin, Dextrose, Acidity Regulators - Sodium Citrate and Sodium Carbonate, Antioxidant - Sodium Ascorbate, Preservative - Sodium Nitrite, Smoked Sunflower Oil, Natural Flavouring), Cornflour, Skimmed Milk Powder, Cheese Powder Blend (contains Milk), Milk Powder, Sugar, Rapeseed Oil, Salt, Modified Cornflour, Stabilisers - Polyphosphates and Sodium Phosphates, Natural Garlic Flavouring, Black Pepper, Onion Extract, Dried Parsley. May Contain Sulphur Dioxide/Sulphites.
Despite numerous studies over the years, food safety experts still cannot say with certainty why ultra-processed food could be detrimental to our health. Public messaging is a complex issue too, simply because there is no universally accepted definition of what "ultra-processed" really means.
For us, the simplest definition is the best: would your grandmother recognise all the ingredients that the food contains? If not, then consider it ultra-processed.
Heinz Spaghetti Carbonara in their own words
Heinz describe their carbonara as "perfect for kids and adults alike" and a "great solution for a quick and satisfying meal at home." Cut through the spin though, and it's clear the product is aimed at the kitchen-dodging Gen Z generation who want to feel like they are eating a culinary delicacy but don't want the hassle of making it themselves.
We can't deny the convenience of tinned carbonara, and we'll give Heinz the benefit of the doubt that there are genuinely some people out there who think it tastes good. However, when Heinz recommended serving their carbonara on toast, we felt they must be having a laugh. Hopefully one day consumers will realise that the joke is on them.
Heinz carbonara: a taste test
In the interest of research, we purchased a couple of tins of carbonara directly from Heinz, since their two main stockists, Ocado and Sainsbury's, were both out of stock. This was, after all, a week that had seen the products splashed over not just the red-tops but reputable food and drink publications including The Grocer, Delicious, and Food and Wine too.
As consumers, our first touchpoint with the product was its packaging. In this regard we think the designers have done an excellent job. By that, we mean the yellow and light pink colour scheme combined with the sorry looking images of spaghetti and pancetta are so cloying and unappealing that it represents perfectly what is contained within. The label proudly states that its contents are low in fat and sugar. It also states that the can contains "no artificial colours". That may well be true, but it feels rather disingenuous when you turn the can 180° and see all the junk ingredients listed on the back.
Upon opening the tin the first thing you see is this rather gross-looking, congealing sauce that wobbles like jelly. It's practically white, presumably because there are no eggs in it, and it reminds us of that awful white liquid that spews out of cheap supermarket bacon when it hits the frying pan.
As with most tinned ready meals, Heinz Spaghetti Carbonara "plops" out of the can with that inimitable vacuum-suction noise that reminds you to keep your hopes under control. It's amazing how teams of PhDs have been able to perfect the sound of a can of Coca Cola being opened, and the comforting plink, plink, fizz of Alka-Seltzer tablets hitting the water, but have never been able to solve the revolting plop plop effect of tinned food.
What fell into our saucepan was possibly the most sorry looking matter we've ever seen. There's at least twice as much sauce as is needed, and on first taste we can only describe it as muddy and sickly. Furthermore, the added milk powder, which has presumably been added to create a creamy mouthfeel, creates a textural body that is just plain weird.
Each strand of "spaghetti" is exactly 2 inches long, meaning it's not actually spaghetti at all because pasta must be at least 25 cm to be worthy of the name. It's not even the false advertising that annoys us. Everyone knows the best thing about spaghetti is that you get to twirl it around your fork. With noodles so short, twirling them is impossible. With noodles so soft and overcooked, forking them is impossible too because they disintegrate with only the gentlest of touches. That means the only way to eat this stuff is to literally spoon it into your mouth.
Most people these days agree that the number one rule of carbonara is "don't use cream." That's probably the number two rule too, but we reckon that the number three rule must be "don't eat it with a spoon." How sad that those words even need to be written.
To keep costs down (this stuff has a RRP of £2) you’d be bonkers to think they wouldn’t chase cost savings by keeping the expensive ingredients to a minimum. But the pieces of pancetta are so small that there's barely any point them being there. They are also mushy and overcooked and possess none of the character you get from guanciale, the cut of pork which is traditionally used in carbonara.
There is a faint suggestion of pepper, but nowhere near what the dish needs. As with any dish that is supposed to consist of just five ingredients, every single one has be at top of their game and be able to justify their presence. If you're not going to make your carbonara peppery, why bother in the first place?
True carbonara recipe (2 servings)
If you love carbonara but, like us, are disappointed with the monstrousness of the tinned option, our recipe below shows how to rustle up the real deal at home. Who knows, some Gen Zers may even discover that cooking a meal from scratch is an enjoyable experience rather than a inconvenience.
Just don't you dare serve it on toast.
Pro tip
The biggest mistake people make when cooking carbonara is overcooking the egg and cheese sauce, causing it to scramble. We've detailed a way to completely remove that risk at the end of this article, although with a little practice it really shouldn't be necessary.
| Ingredient | Quantity |
| Spaghetti | 150g |
| Guanciale* | 100g |
| Pecorino** | 30g |
| Eggs | x4 |
| Pepper | Pinch |
* Guanciale is cured pork jowl which can be both expensive and hard to find unless you live near a very good butcher or deli. It is relatively easy to make at home, but be prepared for a minimum wait of at least three weeks (and up to twelve) before it is ready for eating. For a simpler life, do what most restaurants do and switch the guanciale for pancetta, an equally delicious cut of pork belly.
** Pecorino is sometimes substituted with the less sharp and salty Parmesan.
How to make authentic carbonara
Finely grate the cheese and whisk it with the eggs until completely homogenous. Add a little pepper and set aside.
Bring a pan of salted water to the boil, add the spaghetti, and cook until al dente.
In the meantime, chop the guanciale (or pancetta) into cubes about the size of a pea and fry in a dry, non-stick pan over a medium heat until nicely browned. These cuts of pork are very fatty, so you won't need to add any oil to the pan.
When the spaghetti is cooked to your liking, drain it, allow the noodles to cool for about a minute, and then stir through the sauce.
Serve immediately with the crispy pork and a little extra pepper and grated cheese for good measure.
The techniques for risk-free carbonara
There is a way you can mitigate the risk of your egg and cheese sauce starting to scramble although after a little practice this technique really shouldn't be necessary because it involves considerable time, effort, and equipment.
Because egg whites start to coagulate at 62°C (and egg yolks at 65°C) you need to ensure your sauce never reaches that temperature. The way to do that is by submerging your sauce into a 58°C, temperature controlled water bath (a technique known as sous vide) for around 30 minutes. This ensures the mixture gently warms but cannot overcook since it can ever get over 58°C.
The slightly less common but equally devastating risk to overcooking your carbonara is to add the sauce to the spaghetti too soon. Even if you have been carefully monitoring the temperature of your sauce, adding it to piping hot pasta can also cause it to scramble.The solution is simple. Use an infrared thermometer to check when the noodles cool to 58°C before stirring through the sauce.
All of this low-temperature malarky has one downside: the dish can never be served as hot as you might serve other pasta dishes. To reduce the risk of the food getting cold before the diner has finished eating it, you should pre-warm your plates. This can of course be done in a low temperature oven, but we prefer using a dehydrator set to, you guessed it, 58°C.
