The Abomination of Heinz Carbonara
Heinz Carbonara was released in August 2024 to considerable fanfare. The launch quickly gained support from Gen Z influencers who loved that they could enjoy a fashionable dish while skipping the expense and effort of rustling up their version at home.
Not everyone's reaction was so favourable. The launch of tinned carbonara was met with outright disdain from Italian purists, some who described it as "cat food." Plenty of chefs and passionate home cooks were equally unimpressed, leading to a BBC Radio 4 presenter pondering whether this product represented the "end of culinary civilisation."
Heinz Carbonara: innovation or gimmick?
It's not the first time Heinz has ruffled the feathers of foodies. They have considerable form when launching divisive products such as their Jalfrezi Beans, Curried Passata, and possibly the worst food product ever invented, Mayochup.
Whether the Kraft Heinz board of directors genuinely think they are launching innovative, quality products into the market or whether they simply know the more radical the launch, the more publicity and sales will follow is anyone's guess. What are they even gunning for anyway? An authentic product? A pastiche? A joke?
We know that Heinz's attempt at carbonara is nothing like the real thing. We don't want to jump on the "ultra-processed foods are evil" bandwagon, but comparing the ingredients in classic carbonara to Heinz's offering should make you wince.
Authentic carbonara ingredients
Pecorino romano, spaghetti, guanciale, eggs, pepper.
Heinz carbonara ingredients
Pasta (45%, Water, Durum Wheat Semolina), Water, Pancetta (4% Pork (95%), Salt, Spices, Maltodextrin, Dextrose, Acidity Regulators - Sodium Citrate and Sodium Carbonate, Antioxidant - Sodium Ascorbate, Preservative - Sodium Nitrite, Smoked Sunflower Oil, Natural Flavouring), Cornflour, Skimmed Milk Powder, Cheese Powder Blend (1%, contains Milk), Milk Powder, Sugar, Rapeseed Oil, Salt, Modified Cornflour, Stabilisers - Polyphosphates and Sodium Phosphates, Natural Garlic Flavouring, Black Pepper, Onion Extract, Dried Parsley. May Contain Sulphur Dioxide/Sulphites.
Despite numerous studies, food safety experts still cannot confidently say why ultra-processed food could harm our health. Public messaging is also a complex issue because there is no universally accepted definition of what "ultra-processed" really means.
For us, the simplest definition is the best: Would your grandmother recognise all the ingredients in the food? If not, consider it ultra-processed.
Heinz Spaghetti Carbonara, in their own words
Heinz describes their carbonara as "perfect for kids and adults alike" and a "great solution for a quick and satisfying meal at home." Cut through the spin though, and it's clear the product is aimed at the kitchen-dodging Gen Z generation who want to feel like they are eating a culinary delicacy but don't want the hassle of making it themselves.
We can't deny the convenience of tinned carbonara, and we'll give Heinz the benefit of the doubt that some genuinely think it tastes good. However, when Heinz recommended serving their carbonara on toast, we felt they must be joking. Hopefully, one day, consumers will realise that the joke is on them.
The taste test
In the interest of research, we purchased a couple of tins of carbonara directly from Heinz since their two main stockists, Ocado and Sainsbury's, were both out of stock. This was, after all, a week that had seen the products splashed over not just the red-tops but reputable food and drink publications, including The Grocer, Delicious, and Food and Wine.
As consumers, our first touchpoint with the product was its packaging. In this regard, we think the designers have done an excellent job. By that, we mean the yellow and light pink colour scheme combined with the sorry-looking images of spaghetti and pancetta are so cloying and unappealing that they perfectly represent what is contained within. The label proudly states that its contents are low in fat and sugar. It also states that they can include "no artificial colours". That may well be true, but it feels somewhat disingenuous when you turn the can 180° and see all the junk ingredients listed on the back.
Upon opening the tin, you first see this rather gross-looking, congealing sauce that wobbles like jelly. It's practically white, presumably because there are no eggs in it, and it reminds us of that awful white liquid that spews out of cheap supermarket bacon when it hits the frying pan.
As with most tinned ready meals, Heinz Carbonara "plops" out of the can with that inimitable vacuum-suction noise that reminds you to keep your hopes under control. It's amazing how teams of PhDs have perfected the sound of a can of Coca-Cola being opened and the comforting plink, plink, fizz of Alka-Seltzer tablets hitting the water, but they have never been able to solve the revolting plop plop effect of tinned food.
What fell into our saucepan was possibly the most sorry-looking matter we've ever seen. There's at least twice as much sauce as is needed, and on first taste, we can only describe it as muddy and sickly. Furthermore, the added milk powder, presumably added to create a creamy mouthfeel, creates a textural body that is just plain weird.
Each strand of "spaghetti" is exactly 2 inches long, which is presumably why this product has quickly earned the nickname "a can of worms". The length of each noodle means they're not spaghetti at all because pasta must be at least 25 cm to be worthy of the name. It's not even the false advertising that annoys us. Everyone knows the best thing about spaghetti is that you get to twirl it around your fork. With noodles so short, twirling them is impossible. With noodles so soft and overcooked, forking them is impossible, too, because they disintegrate with only the gentlest of touches. That means the only way to eat this stuff is to spoon it into your mouth.
Most people agree that the first rule of carbonara is "don't use cream." That's probably the number two rule, too, but we reckon that the number three rule must be "Don't eat it with a spoon." How tragic those words even need to be written.
To keep costs down (a tin of Heinz Carbonara sells for £1.75), you'd be bonkers to think they wouldn't chase cost savings by keeping the expensive ingredients to a minimum. But the pieces of pancetta are so small that there's barely any point in them being there. They are mushy, overcooked and possess none of the character you get from guanciale, the pork cut traditionally used in carbonara. These little pieces of meat are also only 95% meat. Let that sink in for a minute.
There is a faint suggestion of pepper, but nowhere near the amount the dish needs. As with any dish that is supposed to consist of just five ingredients, everyone has to be at the top of their game and be able to justify their presence. If you're not going to make your carbonara peppery, why bother in the first place? Or at least respect culinary traditions and call it something else.
Authentic carbonara recipe (2 servings)
If you love carbonara but are disappointed with Heinz's tinned option's monstrousness, our recipe below shows how to rustle up the real deal at home. Some Gen Zers may even discover that cooking a meal from scratch can be an enjoyable experience rather than an inconvenience.
Just don't you dare serve it on toast.
Pro tip
The most significant mistake people make when cooking carbonara is overcooking the egg and cheese sauce, causing it to scramble. At the end of this article, we've detailed a way to completely remove that risk, although it really shouldn't be necessary with a bit of practice.
| Ingredient | Quantity |
| Spaghetti | 150g |
| Guanciale* | 100g |
| Pecorino** | 30g |
| Eggs | x4 |
| Pepper | Pinch |
* Guanciale is cured pork jowl, which can be expensive and tricky to find unless you live near a good butcher or deli. It is relatively easy to make at home but be prepared for a minimum wait of at least three weeks (and up to twelve) before it is ready for eating. Do what most restaurants do for a simpler life and switch the guanciale for pancetta, an equally delicious pork belly cut.
** Pecorino is sometimes substituted with the less sharp and salty Parmesan.
How to make authentic carbonara
Finely grate the cheese and whisk it with the eggs until completely homogenous. Add a little pepper and set aside.
Bring a pan of salted water to a boil, add the spaghetti, and cook until al dente.
In the meantime, chop the guanciale (or pancetta) into cubes about the size of a pea and fry in a dry, non-stick pan over medium heat until nicely browned. These cuts of pork are very fatty, so you won't need to add any oil to the pan.
When the spaghetti is cooked to your liking, drain it, allow the noodles to cool for about a minute, and then stir through the sauce.
Serve immediately with crispy pork, a little extra pepper, and grated cheese for good measure.
The techniques for risk-free carbonara
There is a way to mitigate the risk of your egg and cheese sauce starting to scramble. However, this technique shouldn't be necessary after a bit of practice because it involves considerable time, effort, and equipment.
Because egg whites start to coagulate at 62°C (and egg yolks at 65°C), you need to ensure your sauce never reaches that temperature. To do that, submerge your sauce into a 58°C, temperature-controlled water bath (a technique known as sous vide) for around 30 minutes. This ensures the mixture gently warms but cannot be overcooked since it can never get over 58°C.
The slightly less common but equally devastating risk of overcooking your carbonara is adding the sauce to the spaghetti too soon. Even if you have been carefully monitoring the temperature of your sauce, adding it to piping hot pasta can also cause it to scramble. The solution is simple. Use an infrared thermometer to check when the noodles cool to 58°C before stirring through the sauce.
This low-temperature malarky has one downside: the dish can never be served as hot as you might serve other pasta dishes. You should pre-warm your plates to reduce the risk of the food getting cold before the diner has finished eating it. Of course, this can be done in a low-temperature oven, but we prefer using a dehydrator set to, you guessed it, 58°C.
